When I read the article addressed To The Fit Woman at Marketplace Foods over the weekend I winced. I have heard the comments. I know the hurt. I’ve always kept my chin up and kept going because, while I am fat, I do like myself…most of the time.
A walk to the children’s school this past week had me reflecting on that self-like. Out of our door there is a huge hill. It makes my legs tired within thirty feet. By the time I reached the top, I was winded. Then it leveled out, but I was still struggling to catch my breath. It was a horrible experience and left me feeling like I was suffocating.
I suppose that while I really did feel I was suffocating, it was also symbolic in that living larger is diminished by my excess weight. That I have suffocated myself.
It’s been a rotten few years. There have been a many nights I have cried myself to sleep, spent evenings in my bathroom so the kiddos wouldn’t see my tears. On the outside, where the world sees me, I am strong. I am resilient and I am empowered. The truth is I am tired. I struggle to keep going. My finances are never enough and I seem to always have the unexpected occur (right now I need to fix the distributor cap on my vehicle, rent is due and somehow I have to figure out how to still pay for my utilities and feed the kids.) I appear strong, but I am afraid. Afraid fo failing. Afraid of letting go just for a moment because pulling it all back in seems like a lot more work than just hanging on and riding with it.
That fear has lead to eating mindlessly.
It has made me the mom who, rather than scrapes the plate in the trash, shoves the remaining food in her mouth. I catch myself getting up to check the refrigerator, rummage through the cupboards. I desparately want to fill this void that I have.
I know better.
I promise myself better.
That starts the cycle over.
The one thing I feel I have failed at is my weight. I currently am the heaviest and unhealthiest I have been in my life.
In 2015 I vow to do better. To live life fuller. To live live larger. Not in size, but in purpose.
I have learned from my past – don’t diet.
In 2015 I am going to try an UnDiet?
Maybe you ought to look into the #CoreUnDiet.