In thirteen days I’m going to event that has me giddy. I’ve been invited to attend a Breakfast with Tiffany & Co. event for the Ribbon Cutting ceremony in their first Utah store. It’s a big deal. It also has me feeling ashamed and embarassed because it took this event to wake me up to the reality of what I’ve done too myself in six months.
September started my spiral–car accidents of loved ones that lead into October, when my aunt was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer. As you may remember, I am the primary caregiver for my then, 85 year old grandmother. As October continued, my grandma’s last living sibling passed away of a stroke, her daughter (my aunt) was diagnosed with not only lung cancer but Stage IV brain and Stage IV stomach cancer (a strain doctor’s had never seen before).
My brother’s marriage ended and they continue to be in the world’s most vicious and costly custody battle that may rank of there with Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger when all is said and done.
November brought oxygen for my aunt. My grandma was forced to leave her full-time job at Walmart, something she lived for and loved, so that she could be available for my aunt.
December my in laws came for a week and while they were here, my neighbor across the street died (he was 70) and I began helping his widow. My aunt seemed to be improving and then on December 21, while Grandma was with her, my aunt had a seizure and passed away on December 22. Two days shy of the four year anniversary of my grandma’s second, of three, daughter’s death.
Somewhere in the grief cycle, my grandma developed dementia and we had to take away her driving privileges. I think it was more a medication mix-up as she is recovering, but still unable to drive.
In all those days, my stress level was through the roof! Adding to the chaos were six custom made Care Bear Costumes, a Birthday Party, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and two more birthdays.
I regressed. Fell back on old habits of coping–namely food. There were days when dozens of cookies disappeared and I was the ONLY one home. I reverted to the mentality that if the kiddos didn’t finish their plates I could finish it off for them because I hate to see food go to waste. Problem is, it did just that–it went to (my) waist.
Here we are six months later coming out of the dungeon I’ve been held captive in, weighing 30 pounds more. I am close to my heaviest weight ever and if that doesn’t make you cry, it’s okay, because I already have…over and over again.
I’ve reached the weight that is no longer attractive to my husband.
I’ve tried getting myself under control, but in the hustle of a day, food journaling gets forgotten. Counting calories gets abandoned and the scale creeps up in numbers.
I’m learning to say “No”…my plate has been heaping (figuratively and literally). I am miserable. The stairs have become a burden. I’m drained of energy. As hard as it is, I need help. I can’t do this alone.
I have too much at stake to fail…while the Tiffany & Co. event will come and I’ll still be in my FAT clothes, I want more than that for myself. I want to be someone my son is proud of when he gets married in May. I want to go home and see my family and not be ashamed of myself of feel I have disappointed my mother. I want to be a shining star at my 25 year High School Reunion in September, not the person who gets the “fat” comments whispered.
Right now, I don’t want to leave my house.
This is the beginning of Julee. It’s Spring and I’m giving myself a new start, with the help of Nutrisystem. It’s a program I know works, it wasn’t long ago, Nutrisystem helped me get below 200 pounds. It was the first time in ten years! I know it will happen again and this time, I’m ready.
I have been selected to particpate in the Nutrisystem Blogging Program. For the next 5 months I will receive Nutrisystem in order to faciliate an honest review. No other compensation will be given. The opinion are my own and are in no way influenced by the sponsor. Others experience may vary